So the untold story of Jesus!!

So since we talked about how we wished Jesus was more of a bad ass then he is in the bible.  Well no problem because I have the answer for that.  I created my own stories about Jesus since I had some friends that did not really know anything about him.  So here is one of them.  Keep in mind these are made to be completely ridiculous and should not be taken seriously.
So one day Jesus is out on a walk on the sunny shores of a beach and sees a boat being hijacked.  Of course Jesus is walking on the water because Jesus reasons.  Also because it is Jesus and he does not like the paparazzi which follow him everywhere.  So Jesus walks to the ship being hijacked.  When he gets there he finds that a bunch of ninjas, pirates and Nazis have attacked the boat.  The boat was full of a bunch of super good looking models and small school children learning about the model culture and they were having a party.  So Jesus hopped onto the boat and prayed to God his father.  When he finished his trusted steed Eugene the raptor appeared with weapons blessed by the lord God.
Jesus took his holiest of machine guns out sprayed into the crowd of Pirates.  Then proceeded to take out his machete and challenge them to sword fights.  He worked his way through the pirates with the help of Eugene.  Then Jesus took the holy ninja throwing stars from Eugene and threw them into the crowd of ninjas.  With the help of God all of the throwing stars connected with a ninja in the face.  Then Jesus put on his holy brass knuckles that read "Word of God" and proceeded to beat the word of God into their heads.  When he was finished the ground shook with unholiness as Mecha Hitler came onto the boat.  Mecha Hitler proceeded to shoot the haul of the boat creating holes.  Then he challenged Jesus to a sword fight.  Jesus proceeded with his samurai sword and fought Mecha Hitler. They fought for hours in epic conflict.  Finally Jesus slew his enemy Mecha Hitler.  When finished Jesus took the holiest of Duck tape and fixed the haul of the boat.
Jesus then tired proceeded to rest up with the models and school children in epic partying.  He partied with them for days turning the sea water into wine.  Celebrities joined them such Hugh Hefner, Leonardo di Caprio, and many more.  When he had finished he walked back home.
See isn't Jesus just a little more Bad Ass.