Why Jesus is A Total Badass

I was rather surprised in class today by the argument that Jesus wasn't a badass. Sure, he's no gun-toting bluepill slow-mo-bullet-dodging matrix character, but you can't possibly begin to compare two people like that. That's like comparing pie to the Mona Lisa. It just doesn't work.

Because this idea of Jesus not being a badass was so unbelievably unrealistic, shallow and unprecedented, I'm here to throw my hat in the ring and share a few pointers as to why Jesus was actually pretty damn badass.

1. He Single-Handedly Fought and Died for our Freedom.

    I could end this whole argument right here at this pointer. It takes entire armies to win a revolution, but not for Jesus. Jesus was a lone wolf ass-kicking machine. Jesus had 2 single reasons for allowing these puny mortals to kick his own ass: God willed it, and Christ wanted to save us because He loved us just that damn much. He had the ability to stop these assholes at anytime from hurting him. He could have irradicated the angry crowd surrounding him with a single word if he wanted to. He could've sent angels to murk the crap out of them in a single second. But instead, he allowed to have the shit beat out of him by guards, his head ripped open from thorns literally shoved onto him, took a beating with a whip that was basically barbed wire, had his guts openly spilling out of him, was spit on, carried 2 massive logs up a large hill in this condition, had 3 giant train-track-sized nails hammered through his hands and feet, and suffocated to death after several hours. All because he loved you. That is a hardcore badass.

Then, as a giant middle finger to add to the pile, he went to hell for 3 days and came back to life. HE CAME BACK TO LIFE. Boy, I bet his enemies were super pissed.

2. He Did Not Give A Damn About the Rules.

    Sure, he gave a damn about his father's law, but his whole purpose of being on Earth was to fulfill it so we didn't have to go through these crazy ridiculous ceremonies in order to be forgiven. Jesus was irrational and seemingly illogical. He was the one and only Savior that everyone was waiting for. But who better to attempt to screw everything up but the hypocrites who pretended to be closest to God. I mean, come on, people using the concept of God to manipulate and control the populace to do their bidding? Why does that sound familiar?

Luckily, God's personal son Jesus freaking Christ was there to verbally (and sometimes physically) kick the ass of every single douchewagon that rolled on by to pick a prissy fight. And every single time they tried, he blatantly exposed them for the hypocrites they were and damned their man-made rules of manipulation. He loved and spoke to all of society's rejects, and had a total disregard for those in authority and the law, without ever actually breaking his Father's law. He healed on the Sabbath, hung out with the lepers, prostitutes, the poor, the lame, the blind, and the dead. And every plan they concocted to get rid of him before he willed it to happen was consistently foiled. By him. Single-handedly. He definitely broke the system.

3. He's the Motherfucking Son of God.

    The sinless, flawless, selfless, fearless miracle-working version of God himself in human form. Born of a virgin, He is literally God's love personified. In a nutshell, His purpose was to teach, love, protect, expose, and ultimately save. He went up against the biggest religious leaders of his time, and yet never committed a single sin. He whipped the crap out of those who turned his father's house into a den of thieves and liars. Do you know how many fucks he gave that day, or any other day? NONE. Because He's awesome, and He had an awesome cause working towards a much, much bigger picture: Saving the entire world.

4. He Saved the Entire World.

   I'll say it again: He saved the WHOLE DAMN WORLD. Do you realize how big that is?! Can your sheltered shut-in minds perceive the idea that he saved approximately 400-600 BILLION PEOPLE since his death and resurrection? He completely changed our way of life, and our idea of freedom even in the worst, most enslaving situations. All anyone actually has to do is say yes. He did all the dirty work (because he's badass like that) and that's how easy he made it for us.

In Conclusion

This is not the Jesus we have been taught about by the church, people. Pick up a damn Bible for yourself for once and actually read it. He wasn't some shoeless rag-wearing hippie everyone makes him out to be, either. Jesus was the coolest person alive during his time, and definitely goes on the list of badasses somewhere between Chuck Norris and Ghandi. Because seriously, You suck compared to Jesus. Everyone sucks. And anyone who has the ignorant audacity to actually think Jesus isn't a badass: Shove it up your ass. I don't know which god you think you serve, but mine is awesome.