Calling It Christian

Today's class was really interesting, as it usually is. I liked all of the films, especially the first one and George Lucas in Love. I understood all the references, even if I've never seen Star Wars, but how can you not? I'm pretty sure everybody knows at least most of the characters in those movies.

But I really thought it was interesting how the reading talked about how we want Jesus to be an action hero for us. We're not satisfied with what Jesus is, so we recreate Him in our own image. I know I'm extremely guilty of that. I've seen a lot of things in the Christian community that frustrate me to no end, so I just... kind of want to ignore those things and have a God that doesn't have any of the aspects I don't like.

And then Leeper said, "If you do that, you can't call yourself a Christian."

And I don't. I wouldn't call myself a Christian at all. It's really easy for me to pretend so that my peers and even my own mother won't get mad at me and try to beat the faith into me, but if I can't make myself believe in God exactly the way he is, then can I really believe at all?

The truth is that even though I've called myself "Christian" for many years to avoid people I'm close to lashing out at me, I gave up the faith years ago. I didn't want to believe in a god that made me miserable, so I created one that made me confident and happy, but that isn't the real Christian God. Neither of them are, probably. My "imaginary friend" God and the "monster under my bed" God, they're both fake, but they're the only Gods I've ever known.

So, even though I'll probably continue to brush my nagging relatives off with remarks like, "Yeah, I believe in God," I won't call myself a Christian. Rather, a liar who pretends something for her own benefit.

And nobody believes me when I say I'm actually a terrible person.